Alone

Sigh...My eyes are as swollen as a goldfish's. My dear went for his trip already since last sat. Recently im in a extremely terrible mood. Perhaps stressed at work and stressed over my relationship. There is no big problem in my relationship, but just tt i also dunno why im very jittery.
These few days being alone, i tried to do all things to divert my attention, so i'll not remember im alone. Actually to alot of people, this is no big deal. Yes, i also thought so. But i realised i'm wrong. The fear of me being alone was embedded deep inside my sleeping memory for years. Now it has awakened. I realised that i've been so scared of being thrown alone, like what had happened a few years back. I thought i've forgotten, i've healed completely. But, im terribly WRONG. The wound is still there.
He called back from taiwan last night, i'm supposed to be happy. But i got agitated over a little comment, and i broke down without him knowing. I cried and cried till i fall asleep. I rather he don't call back, i rather be alone. I kept telling myself i can be strong. It's no big deal. But this fear is so familiar. I told him don't call me back, just leave me alone, and i will be better. If he don't call, don't msg me, at least i can forget that i'm alone. I know i'm deceiving myself, but at least time flies faster, and i can be stronger. By showing his concern for me, i became vulnerable. Too vulnerable. A bad incident before made me even more scared of loneliness. How do i get past? Also by deceiving myself. Do all things to divert my attention, be busy every single day, in this way i wont have time to think. Sorry to him. real sorry.